
Thomas Jefferson Says: Sure, Take Away My Statues
By Ed Moser
April 2018
Re: the demand of student activists that Hofstra University remove a statue of Thomas Jefferson from campus
Mr. Jefferson just had to respond:
Sure, take away my statues. Take away my Memorial. At this stage in life, I mean death, I don't care.
But while you're at it, please return to me the following:
Your nation's Independence, which I declared. See how you like living under the English, and Prince Charles, again.
And the two-party system, that Mr. Madison and I set up. A mixed blessing, sure. But see how’d you like living in a one-party state, as under King George, or Kim Jong-Un.
Also, the 530,000,000 acres from my Louisiana Purchase. Monetary compensation will do. Say, $3 trillion.
Add in the White House and the Capitol, whose construction I supervised for another one of those old, now-despised Virginians, General Washington.
Plus all the royalties and fees, with interest, for window blinds, the dumbwaiter and elevator, and the Xerox machines, which inventions or prototypes I invented. About $5 billion will do. Actually, I invented the Patent Office, so I may be due a portion of every invention of every American inventor. $2 trillion maybe.
Also, some of the royalties from Stephen Ambrose’s book Undaunted Courage, about the Lewis and Clark expedition I planned.
And some fairness about me and slavery. I was far from perfect, heaven knows. But in my Northwest Ordinance, along with establishing a decentralized, county system of democratic government for every new state, I outlawed slavery north of the Mason-Dixon line. And I backed a nation for freed slaves in Liberia, which my protégé Mr. Monroe established. I also wrote a sweeping condemnation of the slave trade in my original Declaration, before it got edited out. But I got my revenge: as President I signed into law a ban on the worst thing about forced servitude--the horrific Passage across the Atlantic of countless African slaves, outlawing the theft of any more unfortunates into the USA.
Also while Chief Executive I sent our fledgling Navy and Marine Corps to the shores of Tripoli, to attack and in time crush the main proponents, of white slavery, the Barbary Pirates--Islamic fanatics who'd kidnapped and enslaved tens of thousands of Europeans and Americans, the al Qaeda of its day. A huge blow to slavery.
Further, I would like returned to me the lavish Richmond, Virginia state house that I designed. Estimated value: $500 million.
And some acknowledgement for my pivotal role in establishing the separation of state and church in this country. As opposed to the way, say, ISIS or Saudi Arabia does it. Monetary value: Priceless. [Editor’s Note: There’s no denying that the Supreme Court doctrine of separation of church and state traces back to a letter Thomas Jefferson wrote.]
Finally, please give me back my University of Virginia, and all its grounds. Maybe $2 billion.
Throw in free season tickets to every Cavalier game, and I’ll call us even. (Actually, given how UVA played during March Madness this year, you can have the team.)
One other thing, as a keen observer of human events for some 300 years:
I’d suggest adding to the rich fabric of our history instead of deleting from it. For instance, my home state long had highways called Robert E. Lee and Jeff Davis. And it still does. But it added plenty of roads and schools with names like Martin Luther King and Frederick Douglass.
That’s the way to do it.
Add to our silken tapestry, instead of pulling out the seams.
And by the way, you really don’t owe me anything. For anything I accomplished I did in the spirit of public service, and patriotism. So that you could pursue your own happiness and live your lives in liberty.
From the hilltop of Monticello,
warmest regards to my fellow Americans,
Thomas Jefferson
__________________________________
Ed Moser was a speechwriter to President George H. W. Bush and writer for Jay Leno's The Tonight Show. Ed's latest work is an e-book, a political satire called, Foundering Fathers: What Jefferson, Franklin, and Abigail Adams Saw in Modern D.C.!
By Ed Moser
April 2018
Re: the demand of student activists that Hofstra University remove a statue of Thomas Jefferson from campus
Mr. Jefferson just had to respond:
Sure, take away my statues. Take away my Memorial. At this stage in life, I mean death, I don't care.
But while you're at it, please return to me the following:
Your nation's Independence, which I declared. See how you like living under the English, and Prince Charles, again.
And the two-party system, that Mr. Madison and I set up. A mixed blessing, sure. But see how’d you like living in a one-party state, as under King George, or Kim Jong-Un.
Also, the 530,000,000 acres from my Louisiana Purchase. Monetary compensation will do. Say, $3 trillion.
Add in the White House and the Capitol, whose construction I supervised for another one of those old, now-despised Virginians, General Washington.
Plus all the royalties and fees, with interest, for window blinds, the dumbwaiter and elevator, and the Xerox machines, which inventions or prototypes I invented. About $5 billion will do. Actually, I invented the Patent Office, so I may be due a portion of every invention of every American inventor. $2 trillion maybe.
Also, some of the royalties from Stephen Ambrose’s book Undaunted Courage, about the Lewis and Clark expedition I planned.
And some fairness about me and slavery. I was far from perfect, heaven knows. But in my Northwest Ordinance, along with establishing a decentralized, county system of democratic government for every new state, I outlawed slavery north of the Mason-Dixon line. And I backed a nation for freed slaves in Liberia, which my protégé Mr. Monroe established. I also wrote a sweeping condemnation of the slave trade in my original Declaration, before it got edited out. But I got my revenge: as President I signed into law a ban on the worst thing about forced servitude--the horrific Passage across the Atlantic of countless African slaves, outlawing the theft of any more unfortunates into the USA.
Also while Chief Executive I sent our fledgling Navy and Marine Corps to the shores of Tripoli, to attack and in time crush the main proponents, of white slavery, the Barbary Pirates--Islamic fanatics who'd kidnapped and enslaved tens of thousands of Europeans and Americans, the al Qaeda of its day. A huge blow to slavery.
Further, I would like returned to me the lavish Richmond, Virginia state house that I designed. Estimated value: $500 million.
And some acknowledgement for my pivotal role in establishing the separation of state and church in this country. As opposed to the way, say, ISIS or Saudi Arabia does it. Monetary value: Priceless. [Editor’s Note: There’s no denying that the Supreme Court doctrine of separation of church and state traces back to a letter Thomas Jefferson wrote.]
Finally, please give me back my University of Virginia, and all its grounds. Maybe $2 billion.
Throw in free season tickets to every Cavalier game, and I’ll call us even. (Actually, given how UVA played during March Madness this year, you can have the team.)
One other thing, as a keen observer of human events for some 300 years:
I’d suggest adding to the rich fabric of our history instead of deleting from it. For instance, my home state long had highways called Robert E. Lee and Jeff Davis. And it still does. But it added plenty of roads and schools with names like Martin Luther King and Frederick Douglass.
That’s the way to do it.
Add to our silken tapestry, instead of pulling out the seams.
And by the way, you really don’t owe me anything. For anything I accomplished I did in the spirit of public service, and patriotism. So that you could pursue your own happiness and live your lives in liberty.
From the hilltop of Monticello,
warmest regards to my fellow Americans,
Thomas Jefferson
__________________________________
Ed Moser was a speechwriter to President George H. W. Bush and writer for Jay Leno's The Tonight Show. Ed's latest work is an e-book, a political satire called, Foundering Fathers: What Jefferson, Franklin, and Abigail Adams Saw in Modern D.C.!